Oh... Hi depression.

Here it comes... That old voice that comes whenever it either pleases, or when someone says something. Hi depression. What have you come to say to me today?

No matter how hard I try some things just won't go away. I do my best I stay "strong" but, it's hard for some to really understand that I need help sometimes. Ok all the time. Just last night I couldn't help crying. I don't show it to the whole world much. If one person does see me cry, then they have something people rarely get to see. All of me in my entirety. With that comes depression. With that comes what I'll type now. All of its conversations it has in my head. This... Me typing it out on an internet blog. This is stupid and silly of me. But as I lay in my bed with no energy and that voice in my head, I can only feel like it's best to do this right now. If I said it to anyone I love and care about, I'd guess they say I'm being selfish and all I do is selfish.... maybe they're right. Maybe it's my depression. Maybe it's both theirs and mine. This is what I hear...

DEPRESSION:

"Hey! You've been told you don't like this person anymore. Shall we take a look at it? Let's see *rummaging though memories*  Well they say you've done nothing for them.. Ok. So yep.. all you do is see them. That's never enough in this day and age. You've given them money and visa versa... might be ok in this day and age but again... That means nothing. You don't know where to take them... Well that's boring of you. That's not being friendly now is it. Can't decide for them sometimes... Lazy shit aren't we. In my deduction they're totally right. That or you just don't know how to be a decent friend to people. Yep you're selfish alright. Even to say anything positive Will make you sound like it's all about you. It's all about how you feel. You're a low life girl. It's good you stay in your little bedroom with your family. Keeps you off the streets right? You don't deserve friends in the real world. You can't take care of them to save your life. You're kind of helping with silly dances to make em smile and just hanging around because you care... that's stupid. You're a child of 32. How lame is that? GROW UP. You've been taught to now get on with it. That's what you're meant to do. Grow up to be an adult. This.is.adult world with houses, papers, bills, and money. You can't just stay in bed crying. Daddy's not going to help you, he's dead. Everyone expects you to move on now. Stop being all about you. It's about everyone else so stop you whining, crying, grieving. No1 cares. They care about you sorting them out and for you to do stuff for them. Doesn't work the other way round. Makes you greedy and selfish and since that's all you've done is.let people do things, that s exactly what you are. Greedy and selfish. You making people smile and being nice to them means fuck all. This world, this era ain't for you. That's why people leave you, say you're not being good to them, that you are what you are. They're right and so am I. Listen to me, you're truthful depression. Because I'm right aren't I. I'm not making it up much because you have been told this by some people so it's gotta be fact right? So you just carry on crying. Accept that you're nothing and live. Live in this mess you make with me. You deserve it. Now don't come here saying that you care for.them, love them, mean the world, all that shit. I know you do but again. Where's the proof. Got none do you. Your words mean nothing. Your heart and feelings mean nothing. You're actions are.everything and you've done nothing. So stay with me today and every day for the rest of your life. I'm the only friend you have now. Me. The voice in you're head. Mr Depression is here just for you."

I know this isn't true... Most of it at least. Some folks will think it's about them. It isn't. One thing though is that some things that are said, even if it's not on bad terms or judgement can bring this pain called depression out to play. When it does I am horrible. And it shows me what has been said as gospel truth. It makes me feel like I am just as scrum as some murderer or something really bad. It makes me feel like I've failed everyone. It makes me selfish. I know I am.

I'm sorry I go on writing things such as this. It is indeed... Depressing. Sometimes it has to be let out in some way instead of having it fester in my mind, body and soul.

I apologise for it. For those who.have read though it. I appreciate you doing so. And apologise once more for you having to... And to deal with typing issues. All of this is from a kindle while in bed.