I know right now is probably the worst time to ever write a blog. To say things whilst in a state of bad fluctuation. It's these times when the sad side seeps though and seems to contaminate everything. You try hard to put on the smile and carry on with "reality" but it just is too much and breaks you and everyone around. I feel terrible to say but I broke down today in front of my sister. I didn't want to as she has her stuff to deal with too as well as having the same feeling of loss (We may not have the same dads... But my dad meant a lot to us both). The breakdown started as a "Fed up with things not moving" and a sadness that the UK don't want to help me by providing a working tax credit for a job I created myself to take the stress away and to have something enjoyable. I felt defeated by England, my place of birth because from all the talks they've had of helping new businesses and helping them with working benefits, they have slammed that and have asked for proof of my work being purchased.... To them, money means you worked.
From there the breakdown turned to loneliness. I feel friendless and lonely... I know that as a "not necessarily" true statement to make, but with those I have known in my life being nothing but bits of mundane statuses on Facebook, having no transport where I live and no car as I had to sell it so I could go and take care of my dad during his time with cancer.... I'm stuck in no-mans land. The only time I've been able to do anything is with 1 friend who is my ex and whom I love dearly. He takes me to poker and I hang around with him. He's the only person outside my family right now that is nearby and will take the time to be with me. I feel grateful that he's stuck it out alongside me... I also feel terrible that he has put up with me and my emotions and the costs of trying to get stuff done. I feel like no one deserves me around which in turn makes me feel lonelier still, and then the conscious cycle goes on it's merry way.
And so the breakdown ended in the true cause.... Dad.
Whenever I have had friends and relationships disappear into memories as well as other family members pass from this mortal coil, I've had the wisdom of my dad and his life's history of "back in my days o Glassgee". Both myself and my sister had my dad, the loving Scotsman to be there even if he was a long way away. His phone calls would go on for hours (Well that is to say if we could afford the phone bill). He would always manage to help in one way or another. I guess this is a silly context but for someone like me who liked cars, you could say he was the strong, faithful, hard working engine from a true classic four by four... like a Land Rover or something.
So in essence this breakdown was about my dad and my sister had the brunt of it. As much as im grateful that she was here with me I also am sorry to her for having to put up with that when she has stuff to get on with too.
I wish I was lucky to have friends that I could be able to visit/ they'd see me for some time together. As you can see this is how tiring loss can be and how sadness can be so destructive to the mind and soul. If you have someone in similar shoes or are down... Please don't hesitate to just go see them and talk to them. Sometimes just having someone around no matter how boring the situation can be such a blessing and valuable moment even if it's small. Go have a time and share it by seeing/taking to your friends and not post on Facebook. That sort of thing dulls the soul. Most of all.......
Cherish every little moment you have with your loved ones, family and friends. They will be gone before you know it sometimes and so can you. These moments are precious.
