The Latest in mid 2016

Hi all. It's been the usual while since I've last posted to which i'll give you all an update.

I have been still ongoing through the usual progress of paperwork due to loosing a loved one and still waiting on some changes I needed before going to Spain to end all the stuff that goes on with the "estate"of loss. It's been hanging over my head for over a year and a half now and since this brexit shambles that just over half of my country said they wanted, it has left my paperwork being held back and it's basically pissing me off. So in time I will be doing a blog about loss of a loved one who has moved to another country without a will in their previous living county. I think it would help people going through similar circumstances.

I have also taken the plunge to move to London so I can have more things to do, hopefully a part time job as well as improve on my little online shop and get all my art shown and noticed. It's been a while now and I prefer the London life yet still feel left out a bit at the moment. Maybe it's due to the fact that I can't get a job because I'm self employed with my online shop. I'm not sure but maybe I'll get to have more friends over time. Till then I'm still pretty much stuck with my room mate and just doing things on my own when they are working.

I'm still waiting on my laptop which has been in the need of "fixing" for months and has been in the capable hands of being fixed for over a month. I'm hoping that it'll be ready and be delivered to me at least next week so I can be live streaming again. My little shop and gaming happiness depends on it.

As for my mental state, I've been a bit better but still.... Meh I guess in times. So much so that I've been pretty neglectful of some online folks and for that i'd say sorry and thank you to those with all the patience. I've been trying to get out more and try and get my head straight and so far it's been ok. It's been ongoing and I'm sure it will be for a while. 

So That's pretty much everything up to date....

OOOOH! Before I go taking off I must hype up some of the things I have been doing since being in London. 

One of the things was going to Eid Festival in Trafalgar Square which is a celebration in the Muslim community that is happily celebrated with everyone no matter the religion or race. It was really good and had a lovely henna tattoo on my hand for a week.

Then I went to a Unity March near my home the following weekend and wandered around the park while being entertained and united by everyone against the racism going on that has come to the surface since England decided to brexit. Was a nice day and even got a photo of a squirrel.

Oh and last but by no means least, I got to go to HyperJapan Con. Was good and was plenty to see. Saw this beautiful singer I had to photo...

Singer MIOU looking beautiful at HyperJapan Con

I had to get some photos of the kitties about too...

Anime Cat from HyperJapan Con

cute! :P

Kitty from one of the Games at HyperJapan Con

Oh and for all the Pokemon Go folks (myself included) I cad to catch me a real Pikachu...

PIKAAAA! Pikachu at HyperJapan Con London

So NOW that is everything up to date. If anyone is about London then they might see me over the weekends at various places and events going on. If anyone does see me feel free to say hello. I don't bite.... no really I don't. 

Till next time folks... thank you for reading and putting up with me. 

You are all awesome.

Oh... Hi depression.

Here it comes... That old voice that comes whenever it either pleases, or when someone says something. Hi depression. What have you come to say to me today?

No matter how hard I try some things just won't go away. I do my best I stay "strong" but, it's hard for some to really understand that I need help sometimes. Ok all the time. Just last night I couldn't help crying. I don't show it to the whole world much. If one person does see me cry, then they have something people rarely get to see. All of me in my entirety. With that comes depression. With that comes what I'll type now. All of its conversations it has in my head. This... Me typing it out on an internet blog. This is stupid and silly of me. But as I lay in my bed with no energy and that voice in my head, I can only feel like it's best to do this right now. If I said it to anyone I love and care about, I'd guess they say I'm being selfish and all I do is selfish.... maybe they're right. Maybe it's my depression. Maybe it's both theirs and mine. This is what I hear...

DEPRESSION:

"Hey! You've been told you don't like this person anymore. Shall we take a look at it? Let's see *rummaging though memories*  Well they say you've done nothing for them.. Ok. So yep.. all you do is see them. That's never enough in this day and age. You've given them money and visa versa... might be ok in this day and age but again... That means nothing. You don't know where to take them... Well that's boring of you. That's not being friendly now is it. Can't decide for them sometimes... Lazy shit aren't we. In my deduction they're totally right. That or you just don't know how to be a decent friend to people. Yep you're selfish alright. Even to say anything positive Will make you sound like it's all about you. It's all about how you feel. You're a low life girl. It's good you stay in your little bedroom with your family. Keeps you off the streets right? You don't deserve friends in the real world. You can't take care of them to save your life. You're kind of helping with silly dances to make em smile and just hanging around because you care... that's stupid. You're a child of 32. How lame is that? GROW UP. You've been taught to now get on with it. That's what you're meant to do. Grow up to be an adult. This.is.adult world with houses, papers, bills, and money. You can't just stay in bed crying. Daddy's not going to help you, he's dead. Everyone expects you to move on now. Stop being all about you. It's about everyone else so stop you whining, crying, grieving. No1 cares. They care about you sorting them out and for you to do stuff for them. Doesn't work the other way round. Makes you greedy and selfish and since that's all you've done is.let people do things, that s exactly what you are. Greedy and selfish. You making people smile and being nice to them means fuck all. This world, this era ain't for you. That's why people leave you, say you're not being good to them, that you are what you are. They're right and so am I. Listen to me, you're truthful depression. Because I'm right aren't I. I'm not making it up much because you have been told this by some people so it's gotta be fact right? So you just carry on crying. Accept that you're nothing and live. Live in this mess you make with me. You deserve it. Now don't come here saying that you care for.them, love them, mean the world, all that shit. I know you do but again. Where's the proof. Got none do you. Your words mean nothing. Your heart and feelings mean nothing. You're actions are.everything and you've done nothing. So stay with me today and every day for the rest of your life. I'm the only friend you have now. Me. The voice in you're head. Mr Depression is here just for you."

I know this isn't true... Most of it at least. Some folks will think it's about them. It isn't. One thing though is that some things that are said, even if it's not on bad terms or judgement can bring this pain called depression out to play. When it does I am horrible. And it shows me what has been said as gospel truth. It makes me feel like I am just as scrum as some murderer or something really bad. It makes me feel like I've failed everyone. It makes me selfish. I know I am.

I'm sorry I go on writing things such as this. It is indeed... Depressing. Sometimes it has to be let out in some way instead of having it fester in my mind, body and soul.

I apologise for it. For those who.have read though it. I appreciate you doing so. And apologise once more for you having to... And to deal with typing issues. All of this is from a kindle while in bed.

A year on....

On the 8th February, it will be the first full year that I lost my dad to cancer. It's been a rough year and I have tried so very hard to manage as best as I can, but with UK and EU laws to deal with alongside a low tolerance to stress and depression... I feel myself in a pit of loneliness and despair. I'm sure as hell that I'm not the only one and may seem almost weak and silly by having all these feelings and everything when I have a small family still around and support. That I should move on and get things done and live the happy life... When you're in this state of sadness, that is always easier said than done.

I know right now is probably the worst time to ever write a blog. To say things whilst in a state of bad fluctuation. It's these times when the sad side seeps though and seems to contaminate everything. You try hard to put on the smile and carry on with "reality" but it just is too much and breaks you and everyone around. I feel terrible to say but I broke down today in front of my sister. I didn't want to as she has her stuff to deal with too as well as having the same feeling of loss (We may not have the same dads... But my dad meant a lot to us both). The breakdown started as a "Fed up with things not moving" and a sadness that the UK don't want to help me by providing a working tax credit for a job I created myself to take the stress away and to have something enjoyable. I felt defeated by England, my place of birth because from all the talks they've had of helping new businesses and helping them with working benefits, they have slammed that and have asked for proof of my work being purchased.... To them, money means you worked.

From there the breakdown turned to loneliness. I feel friendless and lonely... I know that as a "not necessarily" true statement to make, but with those I have known in my life being nothing but bits of mundane statuses on Facebook, having no transport where I live and no car as I had to sell it so I could go and take care of my dad during his time with cancer.... I'm stuck in no-mans land. The only time I've been able to do anything is with 1 friend who is my ex and whom I love dearly. He takes me to poker and I hang around with him. He's the only person outside my family right now that is nearby and will take the time to be with me. I feel grateful that he's stuck it out alongside me... I also feel terrible that he has put up with me and my emotions and the costs of trying to get stuff done. I feel like no one deserves me around which in turn makes me feel lonelier still, and then the conscious cycle goes on it's merry way.

And so the breakdown ended in the true cause.... Dad. 

Whenever I have had friends and relationships disappear into memories as well as other family members pass from this mortal coil, I've had the wisdom of my dad and his life's history of "back in my days o Glassgee". Both myself and my sister had my dad, the loving Scotsman to be there even if he was a long way away. His phone calls would go on for hours (Well that is to say if we could afford the phone bill). He would always manage to help in one way or another. I guess this is a silly context but for someone like me who liked cars, you could say he was the strong, faithful, hard working engine from a true classic four by four... like a Land Rover or something.

So in essence this breakdown was about my dad and my sister had the brunt of it. As much as im grateful that she was here with me I also am sorry to her for having to put up with that when she has stuff to get on with too.

I wish I was lucky to have friends that I could be able to visit/ they'd see me for some time together. As you can see this is how tiring loss can be and how sadness can be so destructive to the mind and soul. If you have someone in similar shoes or are down... Please don't hesitate to just go see them and talk to them. Sometimes just having someone around no matter how boring the situation can be such a blessing and valuable moment even if it's small. Go have a time and share it by seeing/taking to your friends and not post on Facebook. That sort of thing dulls the soul. Most of all.......

Cherish every little moment you have with your loved ones, family and friends. They will be gone before you know it sometimes and so can you. These moments are precious. 

2015/16 Happy Hogmanay to one and all.

Glad tidings one and all.

I hope everyone has had a lovely Christmas and had a good time with family and friends. For me, it has been a good Christmas but still feels hollow (to which I'm sure it'll be that way for a while). None the less as it is New Year's Eve here in the UK, I look back and hope that any of the bad stuff finally gets sorted at the beginning of the new Year so I can be able to live a life like my dad would have wanted.

As I think of all that has happened in the year I thought of what New Year truly means. As all would say it's the beginning of the year but in the Scottish tradition, it has slightly more meaning than that. Back in the old times of Scotland, Christmas wasn't celebrated and it was New years that was considered a celebration that brought many gifts, superstitions, food drink, and fire to the night. Although a lot of it has died out and has become more 'mainstream' it has still been kept as much as possible today in Scotland. If anyone would like to know more here is one of the links to the tradition of New Years' or "Hogmanay".  Scotland Did you Know about Hogmanay?

Reading up on the meaning of New Years' has brought me to tears a bit knowing this is part of my heritage has become nothing but another night or just one to "booze it up". But since the loss of my dad this year in February, I feel that it should be celebrated like it once was and with people who we love (if they're awake ;P ).

So in this little post, I wish to bring what I and my dad brought for each other, love, happiness, blessings, and good spirits.

Happy Hogsmanay yer bunch o' lovelies yer!

Life's History

As my blog has been started over and changed around I thought I'd get a little of my life history in before all the other malarkey that will be posted in here in time.

Urgh a history of yourself? Booorring!

Yep, maybe but one person's scrap is another person's treasure... Aaaand as this will be sorted out onto my main website so I might as well get an introduction/history of myself in so you might get a little more of who I am.

So I supposed I'd better start at the beginning... Ish. I'll skip the baby half and just say I was in one place and moved to another when I was 2 1/2 years old to an island in the South East of the UK. There I grew up with lovely friends over the years and lived a sheltered life due to a mum with safety worries. You could say that's not great but I guess when you lose kids it can kinda make you that way with the ones that are still alive.

Anyway... I was sheltered and didn't really get to go far on my own growing up. So hanging with friends from school didn't happen much really unless they lived close by. Most of my time was consumed by my art, school/college, music and gaming. In that time I saw the loss of loved ones and lovely neighbours over the years. One of which got me in a very sad state. I became physically ill and with a form of depression that lasted for many, many years. I don't think it has necessarily left me but I've managed and carried on with the things I enjoyed most. The music, gaming, art... And cars/driving. Over the years it pretty much stayed that way until I met someone online and ended up moving to the mid-west of the UK. It was where I opened up a bit and starting to really grow up.

Now saying I've grown up... Yeah, that's lost to me. Sure I can do 'adult' things like pay bills and do chores and such... But to me, I'm still a kid and always will. Give me a bouncy castle, kids film, fun game or hang around other big kids and I'd fit right in. Shove me in a business meeting or a stressful job and as much as I can also deal with that, I would feel trapped. My mind likes to be the playful child it has always been. Young in mind, body and soul. Sod all these plans, payments and stuff and let's dance around the room YAY!.... Ahem...

Moving on...I stayed in the midwest for about 5 years. In that time family moved about a bit and I was back and forth sometimes to Mid-east to visit them sometimes and then after that time ended up moving back to my family when situations changed. I re-met an old college friend and went back and forth between home and The south of the UK for 4 years being a bit of a big kid again because someone knew me as I really once was. I also met someone I'm close to at that time back at home so I ended up with a small friend group. Which was nice as it felt like I was a bit alone at the time. Again things moved on and I ended up staying more back home after things changing and I got closer to the person I met at home.

From them, I got to open out a bit more but in travel, a thing I wanted to do when I was a kid when everyone was going to school trips and I'd be left behind because we were too poor for that. They also opened me up to a more relaxed lifestyle that I hadn't had since childhood.

Closer to the present day, I was told my dad had cancer... I had dealt with it through the family over the years as well as neighbours I used to know. It choked me up as I'm such a daddy's girl. I went to where he retired to in Spain and for 6 months stayed there to take care of him and in between would enjoy some things like a water park or enjoy listening to Armin Van Buuren live at a music festival there. It was hard but it was good to get the time to be with dad. When seeing him and taking care of him I travelled with my closest partner/pal via the roads and got to see other places I wouldn't have seen by plane alone. My dad was so happy in me doing so as he wanted me to see life and culture outside the UK and I was all for it. When I left to go home we took a long way back and it was so good. The landscapes cultures and people... I loved it.

A few months after I was home I was told the cancer spread... So I set up everything along with my aunt to leave... Then the night of the flight I was told my dad passed away. Even now I don't find it easy to fully explain my feelings of loss. Like my friend said to me, under the circumstances you go through, you are a very strong person. I know I look at it and deal with things in a way that does make me 'strong'... But underneath I'm still a child that has lost the dad in daddy's girl and that makes one very sad big kid feeling very alone. I know I'm not alone in this but like with all human beings, we are all different and the relationships we have with other humans is just like a fingerprint. Still very much a unique thing to each individual.

At the present moment, I am in the UK hoping that the processes for my dad's things finally get sorted and done as it's taken so long that even my dad would be sad how it's worked out. I have taken myself away from the usual work-life of retail and other 9-12 hour jobs to relieve myself from stress a bit while I have things going on and I have turned to the love of my music games and art to keep me going not only mentally but also to keep me going financially. In my head, I said I wouldn't do that and keep it as my hobbies but right now they've become a thing to keep me sane and going. I'm sure I'll carry on doing so until it feels better to be back as a hobby or something else. Either way I know my art, music, gaming, travel, cars and the people I love will still be there no matter what and that if any of the creativity and/or friendship I give makes you happy then I've done a good job... And that in turn makes me smile.

.... Soooo that's my life so far... Sorry, it got a bit morbid at the end. I've cut it down a lot as there's a lot more than that of me but then that's something for you all to find out at some time in the future. :)


If you wish to, you can follow me and/or look at my Etsy store/ watch my live streams gaming then the links are on the side of this web page. If you wish to buy a piece of art by all means do so. It'll help me out a lot or if you wish to donate to keep me going then there's a donate link on my twitch channel. all you need to do is click on the twitch link on the side and then the Donate on the descriptions either on the side of that twitch channel page or below it.

Peace and Love to you all,
Laura/ Mirrageofhope